Editorials > Today's Filmwad Rant: It Turns Out that Remake Fever Is Worse than Ebola and Pac Man Fever Combined

I know I'm far from the first to point out that Hollywood has fallen in love with remakes.  And I'm likewise not the first to understand that it's done not because people want the remakes to be made, but because people will go see them once they are, out of pure curiosity if nothing else, and generally knowing full well that it's going to suck compared to the original.  Take the 1998 Vince Vaughn remake of Psycho, for instance.  Was there a human breathing who would have thought, "Yeah, that's probably going to be better than one of the best movies ever filmed.  Plus it's got Anne Heche, so – you know – boooonuuuuss!"  Of course not.  At least, I fucking hope not.  I'd like to give us a little more credit than that.  And yet, although it rightfully bombed in the box-office and failed to recoup half of it's production budget, it still sold over 20 million dollars worth of tickets.

The point is that, even if the remake is terrible, and everyone knows it's terrible, it will still draw a crowd.  Since Psycho, pretty much every horror movie ever made has been remade, but the studios have learned their lesson:  do it on the cheap.  You know it's only a matter of time before Freddy and Jason get their Batman-style series reboots starring a bunch of up-and-comers who, after the movie, up-and-leave the industry for good.  After all, it doesn't matter who is in the movie, all that matters is that it reminds you of something that was once entertaining, and enough people will be sufficiently intrigued to check it out.  It's a little loophole in our cultural consciousness, and it's one that Hollywood is exploiting at an ever-accelerating rate.

Of course, horror fans aren't the only ones being buffeted by constant rehashings of old, already full-realized ideas.  The current trend, probably touched off by the actually-pretty-good-in-a-lot-of-ways Dawn of the Dead remake, is the remake of the cult classic.  As it currently stands, three of the greatest cult movies of all time – Evil Dead, Escape from New York and Clash of the Titans – are all slated for big budget remakes.  Now, part of the allure of the originals was that they were executed on what was relatively a shoestring budget, so their production necessitated all sorts of ingenious tricks and innovations that only a true fan could appreciate, often after many repeated viewings of the movie.  There will be no such ingenuity in the remakes.  Their ingenuity is based entirely on marketing.  In other words, the studios are selecting projects based on the rabidity of the fans they'll inherit.  It really is a precocious plan.  Movie studios abhor risk, and remaking a movie with a guaranteed turnout is the perfect way to play it safe under the guise of taking a risk on some "small film."

There are countless other remakes in the works, spanning the genres, not counting those in theaters right now (3:10 to Yuma, Halloween, Hairspray) – and by "countless" I of course mean that there are more than five, and I don't want to count them.  Among the rumored projects, though, are an Enter the Dragon remake co-starring 50 Cent and John Cena, a Total Recall remake without the Gubernator, a Porky's remake (WHY? You might as well remake American Pie), and a Logan's Run remake directed by a video game writer.  You may feel differently than I do about those projects – although, if you do, you are probably a complete asshole – but if each of those examples isn't the height of pure bullshittery, I don't know what is.

So:  Hollywood, make it stop.  Movie watchers, make them make it stop.  Don't go see remakes, unless you're sure they're good.  If not, don't reward them with your money, and maybe this will all be over soon, and we'll be able to make the studios come to the only rational and mutually beneficial conclusion:  if people want to see the original movies again, just give the original movies a remastering and throw them back on the big screen.  Minimal cost, maximum enjoyment.  Stop feeding us milky turds and calling it cereal.