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Editorials > Ten Better "Best Movie Monsters" (#1 NSFW)

It's Friday and that means there is generally no real news–aside from Shaun and Harold being in the new Star Trek. 

It got so bad I even started combing through Digg for some ideas when I came across this:31 Best Movie Monsters.

It's typical blogspam, but hey, it is October and there's nothing quite as fun as reading about your favorite horror monsters. But once I actually got into the list, it crushed my giddy soul with how utterly lame and boring it was. Really, The Wolf Man? Jaws? The Alien from Alien? There have been films since the 1970s and 1980s, I believe, and they tend to have some interesting and original "monsters."

He even gets inventive, stating Hannibal Lecter and Kathy "Sledge" Bates for Misery. Ugh. 

But at Filmwad, we like our monsters to be–oh, I don't know–SCARY. Or disturbing. Or giving us nightmares so we keep our Bat-Signal nite-light plugged in. 

(For reals, best nite-light ever.) 

That said, here are our Ten Better "Best Movie Monsters."

Note: Our #1 is very NSFW. Be advised. 

 

 

 

 

 

Honorable Mentions: Xerxes, 300 (2007)

Who knew something would make us more afraid of large men rubbing our shoulders while asking us to "bow" before him than any werewolf, vampire or rabid dog.  Seriously, who knew?

 

#10. The Shit Weasel, Dreamcatcher (2003)

An alien virus named "The Ripley," for the classic Alien heroine, it starts as a spore while infecting the unfortunate victim. While real Stephen King fans debate the actual name of the aliens, there is one name they are best known by: Shit Weasels. Because they gestate in the host's stomach, burrowing out (via anus) and looking extremely frightening. And the best part is they aren't even the invading aliens, they're the by-product of a telepathic spore the aliens harvest. But leave it to Stephen King to make going to the bathroom a frightening experience.

 

 

 

 #9. Torok the Troll,Troll (1986)

While not nearly as hilarious as Troll 2, there is at least a troll. The magical Torok, who was transformed when he attempted to defeat the world of men, enslaves an entire apartment complex and battles his ex-girlfriend the ancient witch and Harry Potter Jr. No, we're not kidding, the main character is Harry Potter Jr. How about that, J.K. Rowling?  Anyway, Torok is creepy in the whole way that Leprechaun scares the hell out of us. But the whole turning yourself into a girl and throwing people around? Man, that is horror.

 

 

 

 

#8. Kuato, Total Recall (1990)

"Quaaaaaaiiiiiddd…."

Constantly referenced throughout Paul Verhoven's Total Recall people expected mutant resistance leader to be on par with a tri-breasted woman. And no one was that disappointed when Marshall Bell ("George") unbuttons his shirt to reveal Kuato, his psychic brother that happens to look like a massive tumor with arms on his gut. It's one of the more gross-out Sci Fi moments when Schwarzenegger then holds hands with Stomach Tumor Boy and gets his mind read. 

 

 

 

 

#7. T-Rex, Jurassic Park (1993)

At the time, the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park were the most realistic special effect in years. Audiences were in awe that Steven Spielberg could make what had best been seen using stop-motion into (digital/animatronic) life. And while the velociraptors may have been clever bitches, it was the T-Rex that scared the crap out of everyone that June. The build-up of the "water vibration" to the single, blinking eye that lowered itself to the children, the T-Rex became a better killing machine than any Alien Alien at that moment.  Oh, and the roar? That roar made countless children crap themselves at once.

 

 

 

#6. Rancor, Star Wars, Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)

Oh, proof that stop-motion animation can still be scary. We're introduced to the Rancor just by the screams of those unlucky enough to find their way into Jabba the Hutt's trap door and Leia's cringing. But it's Luke Skywalker who finds out first hand he has to fight a massive, mutant pig/lizard. Granted, Luke kills him with a bone and a door, but whatever. As kids, the Rancor seemed like an awesome pet to keep in your own underground fighting area.

 

 

 

 

#5. The Businessmen, Hostel (2005)

It's easy to give Eli Roth a hard time for the Hostel series. And it should be: the films are mainly put out there to make us uncomfortable. But–and this is sort of the saving grace–the Businessmen/buyers are some of the most cold characters ever written, especially Rick Hoffman's "American Businessman" who gets off so well from taking a blow torch to an eye. Gore porn may be a tired franchise, but man if it doesn't give us the heebie jeebies to watch.

 

 

 

 

 
#4. Anton Chigurh, No Country for Old Men (2007)

 In the Coen Brothers latest, a woman pleads for her life, begging not to be killed and that he doesn't have to. Sitting across from her in heavy shadows, Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) looks annoyed. "Why do people always say that? That I don't have to do it," he asks. The woman is quiet. "I am a man of my word. And I gave my word to [SPOILER] that I would kill you." 

Bardem looks silly with his pageboy haircut and lumbering cowboy boots walking down sidewalk and through valleys. But the enthusiasm and sheer joy in his face as he strangles a police officer while handcuffs is more disturbing than Hannibal Lecter wearing someone's face or Kathy Bates doing anything. Some jokingly refer to the character as the "Spanish Terminator" and they'd be rather spot-on.  

 

 

 

#3. The Creature, The Host (2006)

 The best monsters are always political in nature. Godzilla was a product of nuclear war and post-World War II paranoia, zombies represent cultural suicide and Paul Haggis was forged in the fires of Mount Doom TV. Bong Joon-Ho's own Creature wasn't much different, a day-dream inspired by what could be lurking under the Han river that became frighteningly possible after the 2000 McFarland Incident, where a mortician for the US Army dumped 192 cannisters of formaldehyde down the drain–and into the river.

 The Creature isn't gigantic. It's smaller than a truck, but frighteningly agile and brutally powerful as it literally mows down people that can't get out of its' way. It even walks off a chemical attack (which, if you look closely, resembles The Creature in its' "rolled up" state.) Even scarier is how well it stays hidden under the bridges and tunnels of Seoul, ripping people in half with it's tail or swallowing them hole before regurgitating bones. By far, one of the best "giant monsters" to ever hit the screen.

 

 

 #2. God, Various (beginning of time)

 Plagues. Killing first-born. Aliens. Predators. God made them all. He killed Mel Gibson's wife in Signs just to tell Gibson how to kill aliens. God can be ominous, he can even be Morgan Freeman and give Jim Carrey a reason to live, or flood Washington, D.C. and let Steve Carell survive. God is so bad-ass that the only way you can cut Him is by going to Japan, finding Sonny Chiba in a sushi restaurant and pleading with him to make you a sword. And he only made three swords. 

 

and now, the moment you've been waiting for, our #1 [not to mention NSFW] choice…

 

 

No, we are dead serious. NSFW. You will be fired if your boss finds this. Your girlfriend will leave you if she's in the room. That feeling of dread?

That's the #1 Better "Best Movie Monster" of all time.

And here it is.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#1. Pussy Monster, Sexual Parasite: Killer Pussy (2004)

Yes, yes, here at Filmwad we aren't afraid of no ghosts, no monsters or even God. But when you're a creature that happens to live in a vagina, has teeth and can extend out to feast on our important bits and pieces–well, listen, this is the single most frightening monster ever put to the screen. We stand by this. And if you disagree, we challenge you to find something more frightening than this.

And btw: here's a link to the .wmv  trailer (at the very bottom.) ENJOY! 

(found thanks to Twitch.)