Editorials > Possible Spidey 4 Replacements for Tobey

As previously reported on Filmwad, Avi Arad has said that the Spider-Man franchise will continue with or without Tobey Maguire.  We’ve been puzzled, however, on who would fill his spandex.  We’ve come up with a few suggestions, some pros and cons, and the odds that these actors would be a success in the role.

Shia Labeouf

Ever since he starred in the Project Greenlight failure “The Battle of Shaker Heights,” it’s been difficult to get away from Shia.  From flipping past “Even Stevens” on the Disney Channel to watching him get the shit kicked out of him in “A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints,” we’ve all become accustomed to the boy, the man, the myth, The Beef.  Now he’s starring in the summer’s other blockbuster, and there are rumors that he’ll play Indiana Jones’s son in George Lucas’s latest assault on his formerly-revered film catalogue.  We can only hope he’ll have an offensive Jamaican accent.

Pros:  About the right size; can play the lovable loser; has big-budget movie experience
Cons: According to his IMDB page he occasionally raps under the name “Rap Pi”; has a face that makes it sometimes difficult not to feel like the villain is justified in punching him
Odds:  9:1

Jake Gyllenhaal

The one guy in Hollywood who looks more like Tobey Maguire than Tobey Maguire himself, Gyllenhaal has distinguished himself by choosing roles that alternate between confusing (Bubble Boy), kickass (Donnie Darko), and gay cowboy (October Sky).  While the internet fanboys may not be ready to get behind him, I’m sure there are some studio executives who would love to ride Gyllenhaal all the way to the top of a pile of box office riches.

Pros:  He saved the fucking world
Cons: Rumored to be in the running for Captain Marvel; the fact that he was in City Slickers, but didn’t have the guts to be in City Slicker’s 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold
Odds: 5:1

Aaron Ashmore

I know what you’re thinking: How can you take Iceman from X-Men and turn him into Spider-man?  That could never happen.  Lucky for us, Iceman has a brother named Aaron who also acts.  He’s currently playing Jimmy Olsen on the WB’s “Smallville,” but how much longer can that show last?

Pros:  Likeable; was in one episode of Nickelodeon’s “Are You Afraid of the Dark”—wasn’t afraid
Cons:  He’s allergic to webbing; looks a lot like his brother Iceman
Odds: 40:1

Kieran Culkin

This may seem like an odd choice.  Macaulay’s definitely the most recognizable of the Culkin spawn, but there’s something about Kieran that just says “Peter Parker.”  Maybe it’s some residual good vibes from “Igby Goes Down,” maybe it’s that I feel bad that his brother is the godfather of two of Michael Jackson’s children.

Pros:  Since he hasn’t been in anything since “Igby,” he’s probably available;
Cons: Macaulay will probably walk around the set in a bowtie while angling for the part of Arcade
Odds: 20:1

Coreys Haim and/or Feldman

I guess I just really wanted to see a couple of pictures of these two handsome devils.

Pros:  The Lost Boys
Cons: Everything else that they shared
Odds: I was going to say “Same odds as these two riding the nostalgia wave to their own TV show,” but then I saw this:  The Coreys.

Luke Edwards

Tobey Maguire, according to IMDB, was in the Nintendo wank-fest known as “The Wizard,” but went uncredited.  Luke Edwards was the title fucking character in the movie.  He got billing before Fred Savage, and Fred Savage was in “The Princess Bride.”  Inigo Montoya was also in “The Princess Bride,” and he had this scene.  Therefore, Luke Edwards would make a great Spider-man.

Pros: I didn’t even mention the fact that Andre the Giant was also in “The Princess Bride,” as was Christopher Guest.
Cons:  Who the hell is Luke Edwards?
Odds:  What are the odds that a young boy inherits a baseball team, becomes the manager, and that Timothy Busfield—the red-haired guy that you saw in commercials for “thirtysomething,” a show you never watched because you had testicles—is cast as a star baseball player, and the climax of the movie is that he has to hit a home run in order to win the right to marry the young boy’s mother?  That’s so improbable, I wouldn’t even guess on the odds.  There’s no way that a movie like that could be made, which is about what Luke Edwards’ odds are.

Teddy Dunn

Dunn played Duncan Kane on “Veronica Mars” for the first two seasons of the series, but other than that he hasn’t done much.  While his résumé isn’t all that full, he’s a talented actor.  Hell, before he was cast as Spider-man, Tobey Maguire was best known as the guy who wasn’t Reese Witherspoon in “Pleasantville.”

Pros:  Was on “Veronica Mars,” a show that you should watch; not well-known enough to cause a fuss about
Cons:  Probably not dorky enough to fill Tobey’s prescription shoes
Odds:  30:1

LeVar Burton

Really, I know Spider-man is white and all, but how can one deny a man who simultaneously advocated childhood literacy and resistance to the Borg, despite the fact that both were futile?

Pros: Played Toby in “Roots,” so Sam Raimi could just call him “Toby” on the set, although LeVar might start yelling stuff about Kunta Kinte; he is a proficient javelinist
Cons: 50 years old; not the right color for the character; his engineering abilities will be wasted
Odds:  Q to 1

Sir Peter Parker

Sir Peter was a Knight of the Realm who helped pull British Rail back up after WWII, was a chair at the London School of Economics, and advocated Japanese language instruction for businessmen.

Pros: He has the same name as the main character of the movie; brings international flavor to the cast
Cons: Been dead since 2002; could be confused with the two other men who went by the name “Sir Peter Parker”; has a serial-killer smile
Odds: Who would dare put odds down on a Knight of the Realm?

Ryan Gosling

Whoever plays Peter Parker needs to be able to act.  He’s a complex character, and too often comic book adaptations end up with big stars who can’t act overlooking the nuances of the characters.  I’m looking at you, Affleck.  You too, Clooney.  Bale, you’re safe, but I’m looking right in your fucking ghost-eyes, Halle Berry.  Did you see “Half Nelson?”  Ryan Gosling is the real deal.

Pros:  Can actually act; slightly odd-looking; indie cred; apparently taught Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears about sexual positions
Cons: Taught Britney Spears about sexual positions; sang backup for soulDecision
Odds:  8:3