Editorials > Michael Bay Directs...

What if Michael Bay were to direct some of our favorite classics of all time? Something outside of his normal realm of action?

Michael Bay is responsible for some of the most over the top action movies of the summer in recent years, including Armageddon, Bad Boys 1 and 2, The Rock, and Transformers. Known for his style of slow motion pans, super-slow-motion-narrow-escapes, and low-on-plot-but high on adrenaline and explosions movies, Bay is truly one of the kings of the summer popcorn movie. Recently, a supposed Michael Bay version of the script for The Dark Knight was circulating on the internet at my.spill.com, and, while hilarious, it raised the following question:

What if Michael Bay were to direct movies out of his normal realm of action? What if...he were to direct one of our favorite classics of all time… Let’s find out…

Michael Bay Directs… Gone with the Wind 

Rhett

Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn…

Scarlet pulls out a gun from behind her back, her sweaty bosum heaving, sweat dripping down her cleavage.

Rhett is taken aback, as Scarlett leans forward, exposing more cleavage. The camera pans slowly across as the individual droplets make their way deeper into her bustier.  Her hair falls seductively across her face, matted with sweat but looking sexy anyway as she waves her gun.

  Scarlett

You’d better care, Rhett, before these bullets find their way into your gut.

Rhett smirks a winning smile, and winks at the camera.

Rhett

You could do that. Or…we could make hot, passionate love right here on the steps.

Scarlett considers this new and seemingly unheard of alternative.

Scarlett

Oh Rhett! You’re such a smooth talker…Take me now!!

Rhett rips open her dress, revealing her taut, sexy midriff, which the camera pans over, then circles around the two of them with the trademark “Bay Spinning Effect”. Just then, the sassy maid bursts into the room. 

SassyMaid

Oh no you ain’t messin’ up mah carpet wit’ yo’ love stains again. Mmm hmm. You betta git up outta here wit’ dat mess. That’s what bedrooms is fo’! You go’on and ravage her up in da bedroom like you’s ‘sposed to, ya heah?!

Rhett picks up Scarlett and begins to carry her upstairs to the bedroom when the sounds of battle are heard outside. He drops her.

Scarlett

OOF! Just what do you think you’re doing?!

Rhett

Duty calls. They’re on my land, and I’m the only one… who can stop them.

Scarlett leans forward, again exposing her hot, sweaty, full bosomed cleavage to the camera.

Scarlett

I… I understand. Go! Save our land…and come back to me in one piece…

Rhett

That’s what I’m gonna do, baby… I’m gonna save the day.

Rhett opens the front door and steps out onto the porch. A cannon is pointed directly at the front of the house, with a lit fuse.

Rhett runs down the steps straight at the cannon.

Cue Slow Motion.

Rhett runs as bullets whiz by his face in slow-motion, tearing streaks in the air past his face and causing his hair to flip up but still look cool. He punches a Union soldier in the face, knocking his hand gun up into the air. He catches it, spins around, shoots the guy manning the cannon, flips the gun up so that he’s holding it by the barrel and pistol whips two more soldiers. He’s made it to the cannon, and the fuse is getting closer to the base of the cannon. Rhett grabs the underside of the cannon, swings around it, and pulls with all of his might, changing the aim of the cannon from the house to the sky. Rhett leaps out of the way just as the cannon fires, launching a cannonball and debris into the air. Just then the captain of the army happens to be riding in. He notices the cannon is pointing upward, and looks up just in time to see the cannonball returning to earth.

Captain

Oh…shi—

The cannonball connects and explodes, laying waste to most of the battlefield and sending bodies flying everywhere.

Rhett

That’s how it’s done.

Scarlett comes out of the house and presses her head to Rhett’s chest.

Scarlett

As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!

Rhett

Whatever. Let’s go upstairs and get naked.

 

 

 

Comments

DraytonSawyer on 08/04/2008 5:58pm
Is it sad that I would watch that? Twice!
The Hitman on 08/04/2008 7:08pm
LOL, it's one of those guilty pleasures...
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