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Eddie Izzard and Brian Dennehy Sign Up for 'Every Day'Editorials > FW Hi-5: Invaded!
OOoooooo-weeeee, the Nicole Kidman/Daniel Craig remake of The Invasions of the Body Snatchers is looking to be a huge steaming pile of turds rubbed in the faces of remake-loving dorks the world over. Rampant re-shoots, a directorial change midway through, absolute silence on the part of all involved – this movie is going to blow.
Yet, shitty sci-fi flicks – if one's in the right mood and under the correct amount of sweet, sweet intoxication – can be elevated to a realm of comedic bliss reserved only for this particular kind of film. It takes preparation though: lining up the proper, er, ‘supplies’, creating a sure-to-fuck-you-up drinking game, possibly even inviting the right mix of friends who can put aside their artistic critiques and just enjoy. Most of all though, you’ve got to get yourself into the proper mental state to deeply appreciate two hours of claymation monsters, big-boobed brainless heroines, and D-grade, dinner-theatre quality acting.
And that’s where we come in. To help place you in this ‘state of mind’ we’ve cobbled together five sci-fi flicks gleefully mired in the throes of ridicularity, to pummel your grey matter into a shapeless mass useless enough to sit through The Invasion with a huge shit-eating grin on your face … or not.
So fire up the DVD player, roll yourself a fatty, and enjoy.
- Mars Attacks (Tim Burton, 1996)
Technically, if we’re talking about low-budget schlockfests, this film shouldn’t be on the list. It is a big-budget, star-studded affair, rife with over-the-top cameos and (kind of) dazzling special effects. But what better way to start a week of mind-numbing stupidity then to watch a film that deftly parodies and pays homage to the sub-genre.
The plot, briefly: aliens (big glass-bulbed aliens, with retro laser guns!) come to Earth and start killing people, Jack Nicholson is president, Pierce Brosnan (ed.: Thanks, Chad) is a half-man/half-dog, and Jim Brown face-punches an alien to death. Toss in some jiggly-boobies from former Burton muse Lisa Marie, and you’ve got the perfect appetizer to a full course of sci-fi debauchery.
- Killer Klowns From Outer Space (Steven Chiodo, 1988)
Everybody – well, everybody who isn’t creepy – is at least a little scared of clowns, with their big hair, red noses, and gross, dead-looking white face-paint. Those fuckers are scary! Even scarier? Killer Klowns who land on Earth in a circus-tent space-ship and start killing people with cotton candy nets, popcorn Klown babies, shadow puppets, and blood-thirsty balloon animals. Now that shit is scary!
This has to be the best movie about Killer Klowns (from outer space) invading a small town and turning the citizens in to giant balls of digestible cotton candy goo that you’ll ever see. Honestly, I can promise you that.
- Howard the Duck (Willard Huyck, 1986)
Whoever green-lit a film based on the adventures of Howard the Duck (originally a Marvel comic book) and his adventures in, er, Cleveland is assuredly a drug-addled male prostitute these days. For god’s sake, what bumbling ass thought a movie about a 3 foot tall, cigar-smoking, hornball duck would be a good idea? But his eventual suffering is all for our benefit, as Howard the Duck is one of the great shitty-movies of all time. A movie about a duck pulled from Duckland by a giant laser beam, who has to fight the Dark Overlord of the Universe (basically a lot of paper mache tentacles and fireworks) in a crappy warehouse … in Cleveland.
Along the way, I’m pretty sure, the 3-foot tall duck gets romantic with Lea Thompson. Yuh-yuh-yuh-yuck!
- Dreamcatcher (Lawrence Kasdan, 2003)
Unintentional humor comes from two sources in this film:
- Donnie Wahlberg’s deaf-mute ‘tard character ‘Duddits’. A little spoiler: Duddits turns out not to be ‘tarded, but instead is some sort of intergalactic rainbow alien sent to Earth to fight the evil, er, Mr. Gray with the power of love. Friendliest movie ‘tard ever!
- Shit weasels. Yup, you heard me, shit weasels. Little alien larvae that give birth by scooting around on the floor until they find a way up and in to your asshole. That’s the bad guy in the film, I shit-weasel you not. The final battle is pretty much Rainbow ‘Tard versus the Shit-Weasel-Dog to save the planet Earth. High-larious.
Shit weasels and rainbow ‘tards fighting? Can you ask for anything else? Oh, really, you can? Well then, how about Jason Lee fighting a shit-weasel in the funniest man vs. shit-weasel fight you’ve ever seen. Ahem, touché.
- Critters (Stephen Herek, 1986)
Growing up I was taught that aliens were supposed to be big and scary and have the ability to spit acid into the faces of whomever they pleased. Then I saw Critters and learned that aliens could be one-foot porcupines with old man faces and still be pretty terrifying. Especially one-foot porcupines with the ability to cut power, fly spaceships, and evade inter-planetary bounty hunters sent from some sort of prison asteroid. Yup, man-eating hedgehogs threaten humanity, and only the Browns can do anything about it. Sigh, I wish I was kidding.
Comments
And you forgot to mention the most ridiculous moment of this film: duck boobs.
but cant forget the adventures of Pluto Nash
its so shitty our dvd player refused to play it any longer half way through the movie