News > FEATURED: The Twelve Greatest Lines from The Last Dragon

Written by Richard Matthes

The Last Dragon is the greatest martial arts movie ever executive produced by Berry Gordy.  It features ninjas, kung-fu masters, and music by DeBarge.  Furthermore, as the VHS copy proclaims, it co-stars “Prince protégé VANITY” as Laura Charles.  Combine all that with the fact that the film’s star, Taimak, once got a date from MTV’s short-lived “Singled Out” and you’ve got magic.  Kung-Fu Magic.  Here are the 12 greatest lines from this masterpiece:

12.  “Why don’t you sit down and shut up?”
               -Fat White Guy in the Movie Theater to Sho 'Nuff

If Berry Gordy was going for social commentary in “The Last Dragon,” this might have been the extent of it.  White guy is in the theater, acting like he owns the place along with his bearded, tubby-bitch-of-a-friend who happens to be wearing a red tank top that barely stretches down over his nipples.  Black guy (Sho’Nuff) is talking during the movie, which up until that point had been interrupted by:

1.  People yelling at the screen when Bruce Lee punches a guy.
2.  A guy selling something suspicious in a zip-lock bag.
3.  See # 1 again and again.
4.  Teenagers breakdancing to a boombox.
5.  A large man smashing said boombox.
6.  A Jamaican dude smoking a massive joint.
7.  The movie ending momentarily while Sho’Nuff enters.
8.  Sho’Nuff’s troupe agreeing with his proclamations concerning his meanness, prettiness, and badness.

Gordy’s message, obviously, is don’t go to a movie at that theater.  The acoustics aren’t very good, and the seats smell like pee.

11.  “My friend and I, Mr. ‘Nuff, we were just minding our own business”
               -Eddie Arkadian

We all make fun of guys like Eddie Arkadian for his Napoleon complex and his bald head, but we forget that he’s just like us.  We have the same fear of intimacy, the same distaste for guys dressed up as ninjas attempting to thwart crime, the same jerkoff brown suit.  Except we have one thing he doesn’t have: Neurochemical reactions that confirm that we are human.  Eddie Arkadian’s a fucking cyborg, man.

10.  “Keep your money.  You just get that sucker to the designated place at the designated time and I will gladly designate his ass…for dismemberment.”
               -Sho 'Nuff

Honestly, there are, like, at least 20 words in this line, but what the fuck?  How is his ass going to be dismembered?  Even if you rip off his legs, there’s still probably going to be ass left flapping from Taimak’s torso.  Sho’Nuff probably got his linguistic skills from the ghetto, or maybe community college or most likely from watching Good Times.  Does the Shogun of Harlem wear foam shoulder pads and also watch Jimmy JJ Walker?  Hells yeah, or as JJ Walker would say, “TrinitrotoluENE!”

9.  “Eddie Arkadian is a very heavy dude who wants to have this videotape played in the worst kind of way.”
               -JJ (Not Walker)

Is this the line that catapulted William H. Macy from “two line cameo” level to “Independent Spirit Award” winner?  Did this lead to us seeing his ass in “The Cooler”?  Maybe to seeing him riding a motorcycle in “Wild Hogs.” 

8.  “Can you teach me some moves?”
               -Bruce Leroy

Poor Leroy Green from Harlem.  He’s a socially-awkward virgin, Ninja Master, and the son of a pizza parlor owner with a re-god-damn-diculous jingle.  He has vanquished Sho’Nuff, and is now ostensibly the reigning Shogun of Harlem.  What’s his first order of business?  To ask Vanity for sexual lessons in front of God and America and hundreds of breakdancing teenagers with very tight pants who all proceed to laugh at him, of course.  How did the teenagers know that he was talking about sex and not about dancing?  Because it’s a movie, moron.  They all had the script.

7.  “I would not do that if I were you.”
               -Bruce Leroy

Leroy delivers this line just as one of Eddie Arkadian’s goons is about to hit Laura Charles.  Then the synthesizer music starts, and that means that someone’s in for a beating.  He kicks the knife out of one guy’s hand, throws one guy through an open car window, then knocks the black guy in the suit out of the picture with two flying roundhouses; he does this all without breaking a sweat.  Finally, he kicks the car door closed as it drives away as both an “Eff-You” and because he’s a huge proponent of auto safety.  Oh, and the driver is Chazz Palmenteri, best known for playing Mr. Zadir.  Hey, did you just grab my ass?

6.  “You see, Leroy, you know how you’re always teaching us to master the art of fighting without fighting?  You see, I did you one better.  I mastered the art of fighting without knowing how to fight.  You see, people are afraid of Oriental dudes.  Give ‘em a little move, a little scream, and lots of attitude.”
               -Johnny Yu

Oh Johnny, you crazy Asian.  As Leroy’s sidekick he provides much of the comic relief in the movie.  Immediately following this description of his fighting style, Johnny gets kicked in the face.  Johnny is the classic lazy ass, expecting results without working for them.  While it may be true that people are “afraid of Oriental dudes,” it is probably because of their mad chopstick skillz and not their physical presence. 

5.  “You sure look like a Master to me.”
               -Laura Charles

Vanity, you dirty slut. 

4.  “You’re nothing but a misguided asshole midget with dreams of ruling the world.  Yeah, also from Kew Gardens.  And also getting by on my tits.”
               -Angela

Shakespeare said, “Let the fool speak and you shall hear truth.”  No, he didn’t, but he should have.  No, he shouldn’t have.  However, as this line proves, even women wearing taxi-cab-checkered suspenders with fake plastic headlights on their tits can be good for something other than illuminating your private parts in a dark bedroom.  We’re still not sure what that something is, but it has to do with the formerly referenced “private parts.”

3.  “Here, it contains everything you need to find your way to the golden glow. [hands him an empty fortune cookie] Think Leroy!  You have just opened a fortune cookie without a fortune, written by a master who does not exist, to find a solution to a problem whose answer you already know!”
               -Leroy’s Master

Bruce Leroy’s sensei is the embodiment of Wise Asian Guy powers.  Sadly, Wise Asian Guys were a dime a dozen in the 1980s, which is why Mr. Miyagi ended up having to do a movie with Jay Leno in 1989.  What do you get when you add Pat Morita to Jay Leno and sprinkle on a little motherfucking Winston Zeddemore?  A huge waste of time.  Seriously.  Don’t watch Collision Course.  You think you’ll laugh, because you think there’ll be hijinks, but even the highest of jinks can’t save this bucket of awful.  Not even motherfucking Winston Zeddemore can save this movie, not even if he had a proton pack and crossed the streams and then the Stay Puft Marshmallow man came and ate Jay Leno’s ass face.  Not even then. 

Honestly, though, this is a sweet line.  All Zen and shit.

2.  “Get your hands off my woman!  I said, ‘Get your hands off my woman!'"
               -Richie

Ah, Richie.  Such a misguided youth.  While his breakdancing acumen failed to elicit any response from Lady Laura Charles, he was able to get himself tied up with her.  By my calculations, that’s at least 2nd base. 

1.  “I’m going to ask you one more time—Who is the Master?  Who’s the Master?  I can’t hear you Leroy!  Who is the Master?  I said Who’s the master?  Who is the Master? Alright Leroy, who’s the one and only master?”
           “I am”
               -Sho 'Nuff and Bruce Leroy

If you doubted that Leroy was the master after he all but bagged Vanity despite acting like a scared eleven-year-old, I pray you don’t breed.  The music starts even before he figures it out, which is a dead giveaway.  The man has the GLOW.  He’s reached that upper level, where mind and soul must be one.  He’s sacrificed.  It’s taken him hard work.  It’s, well, it’s a way of life.  Because when you’ve got the glow, you feel as one.