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Editorials > Disreputable DVD Covers and Movie Posters, Part II (The Collector’s Edition)

Eyes beginning to burn? That’s because you’re on the verge of another round of disreputable DVD covers and movie posters. (Click here for Part I.)

You’ll note I’ve titled Part II of this article “The Collector’s Edition.” That’s because if there’s one thing movie makers have taught us, it’s that a great way to make a quick buck is by re-releasing an old movie on DVD again.  All you have to do is add an extra deleted scene or two, slap on some shiny packaging and bam! You’ve got yourself a Special Widescreen Edition, or a Collector’s Edition, or an Uncut Edition, or maybe a Special Bonus Feature Collector’s 20th Anniversary Widescreen Edition with Director’s Commentary worth $24.99.  

So on that note, here is a very special presentation of the remaining batch of crappy movie covers:       

Teen Wolf Too

Why it sucks:  Firstly, I’m not a big fan of the two disc-set release. I think movies should be treated as individuals, not crammed in together like Siamese twins. Of course, in the case of Teen Wolf Too, I can totally understand why MGM wanted to package it with the original. It sucks. But that isn’t the reason it’s on this list.

The first Teen Wolf  had an awesome cover—Michael J. Fox ripping his jacket open with the title printed on his shirt. You can say what you want about the movie, but that cover is pretty cool. Right away you know this is going to be a ridiculous comedy that doesn’t take itself too seriously and you can’t help but feel good about yourself.

Now, you look at the cover for Teen Wolf Too and what do you notice? Nothing.  It’s just some Michael J. Fox look-alike smirking for probably no reason other than the photographer told him to smile when he shot the photo for the cover. I mean, if you’re going to make a sequel off an idea that ran its course in the first film, at least put some spunk in the cover art. Maybe throw in a babe in a bikini, a fireball explosion, hell, you could add a banana and it’d still make the cover less craptacular.  

 

The Best Years of Our Lives

Why it sucks. Yeah right, more like we’re in the worst movie poster in our lives. I’ll be honest here and admit that I’ve never seen this film, so it’s possible there is some meaning in why there are five people laughing their asses off for seemingly no reason on the cover.

Could it be they’re laughing because this cover sucks but you have to respect it anyway because it’s a “classic?” I don’t know. But I do know that whoever designed the orange and white background should have won an award in the category of Earth Shattering Originality. An orange wall with a white stripe across it, what’ll those wizards think up next?     

 

Catch-22

Why it sucks: Let me be clear, Catch-22 is without a doubt one of the best books written last century. I read it in high school and loved every page. But I look at this and I just don’t get it. It’s a guy’s hairy chest. I know it’s a comedy, but is there really any excuse for making a man look up close at another man’s bare chest when all he wants to do is rent a movie? Absolutely not.

 

Going Overboard

Why it sucks:  Interesting fact: Every person who has ever seen this movie looks the exact same way Adam Sandler does in the picture at the very end: What the fuck just happened?

We may never know just what Sandler was thinking making a movie that the Federal government classified as “Environmentally Destructive-Toxic Fumes-Keep Back 100 Yards,” but the cover here is even more perplexing. I’m not even sure that’s Sandler’s real body underneath his head. If it’s an edited photo, what for? For what possible reason would you edit out Sandler’s flabby body just to replace it with another flabby body?  

Not to mention the entire background looks computer-generated. You mean they couldn’t even find real hotties who wanted to act in this movie so they had to add fake ones through CGI? Just…wow. Now there’s a sure sign you’re movie sucks. Bikini-clad bimbos won’t even pose with you for the cover.

 

Forrest Gump

Why it sucks:  When you ignore the fact that this movie won best picture of the year, ignore the fact that for all its obnoxious Southern-spun sayings it’s still a good movie, all you’re left with is some guy sitting on a bench with a white background. If I didn’t know this movie was about a guy who somehow finds himself smack dab in the middle of almost every cultural iconic moment in the 60’s, I’d think this was a boring crap-fest and keep right on going down the aisle.

 

Mosquito Coast

Why it sucks: For most of my life, this movie has been like a phantom haunting me every time I visit the video store. It doesn’t matter how much I try to avoid it, at some point Harrison Ford’s sweaty, big-nosed face hits me square in the eyes like a…a, mosquito bite on my eyeballs.

And speaking of Ford’s big sweaty head, why do they have to put it up-close on the cover of virtually every movie he makes? Does he have some kind of clause in his contract that requires the distributor to do that? I would say so, considering I was able to put this montage together using only a fraction of his movies:

   

 

Jerry Maguire

Why it sucks: Let’s see…man smiling uncontrollably, check. Man looking down at something or someone on the ground out of the picture, check. Yep, it looks like some photographer snuck up on crazy Tommy and shot a close-up picture while he was getting head in his trailer and made that the cover. What that has to do with the movie I will never know.

 

Punch-Drunk Love

Why it sucks: Holy shit! Adam Sandler makes the Disreputable list twice? Impossible! There is clearly some kind of deeper meaning behind this picture that I just haven’t grasped yet. Wait, I know. It must be one of those holographic covers that changes when you turn it a certain way. Okay, I’m turning it to the left and…nothing. Wait let me try turning it the other way…waiting…nothing.  Okay let me try this again… 

 

Orange County

Why it sucks: You know, I can think of no justifiable reason for why I have this cover on here other than I have always hated it with a burning passion. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do. Maybe it’s the overt cleverness—the movie’s called Orange County and they have slices of orange in their mouth and on their eyes. You think there might be a  correlation?       

 

The Hades Factor

Why it sucks: Rip-off alert! I’m going to cut this film a little slack considering it was made for TV. But it is a blatant steal from The Bourne Identity, so it deserves a spot on this esteemed list. I mean really, it’s almost like the graphic designer said “If I just switch which side the blue and orange are on, and enlarge the target a little bit, nobody will ever notice I’m ripping off the cover of one of the biggest blockbusters of 2002.” Simply unbelievable.