Editorials > Disreputable DVD Covers and Movie Posters, Part I

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m a busy guy. I don’t have all day to browse through a video store reading the backs of DVDs to find out the plot of a movie. Most times, the only thing that will make me consider renting one flick over another is the artwork on the cover. If it looks confusing, hoakey, or otherwise doesn’t at least hint at what the movie is about, I don’t bother looking any further.

Promotional art should instantly relay the plot and tone of a movie and grab the viewer’s attention by the balls. Sometimes I see movie posters or DVD art and wonder what in the hell the marketing department was thinking. If it looks lame, I’m going to assume the movie is lame also, since it’s obvious they didn’t feel making a decent cover was worth the effort. 

Of course, there have been exceptions. Deep Blue Sea rocked a giant killer shark and Saffron Burrow’s wet t-shirted rack (a definite plus for any poster), and that movie made about as much sense as a Pentecostal on acid.   

The following is but a partial list of some of the crappiest covers and movie posters I’ve seen.

Flightplan

Why it sucks: To this day the very sight of this cover makes my skin crawl. What in the hell is this movie about? Why does Jodie Foster look like a zombie, and why is the background so blurry? Does the blurriness mean this movie will be so action-packed I’ll be rocked out of my chair? Somehow I doubt that.

The Green Mile 

Why it sucks: Can someone tell me what the hell is wrong with Tom Hanks’ face? Is he supposed to be playing some kind of candy-coated mannequin doll in this movie?

Rush Hour 2

Why it sucks: Heee-yah! Heeeeeee-yah! Oh I get it. This movie is going to have some kick-ass martial stunts in it! Ok, then why is Chris Tucker lifting his leg like a dog about to piss on a fire hydrant?

Collateral

Why it sucks: Whenever I see this I always think Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise are in the middle of some kind of awkward conversation that goes like this:

Cruise: My dad hates me. My ex-girlfriend hates me. Hell, even my dog hates me. That's why I decided to become a hitman.  

Foxx: You know maybe if you stopped telling people about how much people hate you, you might make some new friends. I mean, sooner or later as a hitman you're going to get yourself killed.

Cruise: It's actually not that bad. You get benefits, two-weeks vacation, and I think my secretary's into me. I might ask her out. Do you think that's appropriate considering we work together? Her name's Justyna, by the way.  

Foxx: You're a hitman and you have a secretary?

Cruise: I mean, a part of me says "Hey man, you never shit where you eat." But the other part is like, "No man, go for it, you only live once." 

Foxx: What exactly does a hitman's secretary do?

Cruise: Make my appointments, file stuff, who knows. Of course, between her and Jim from Acounting arguing all the time, it's a wonder anything really gets done. I think it's all because Jim is having a fling with that new girl in Marketing. I know Justyna used to be into him, but not anymore. Hmmm…you know what? I'm gonna ask her out.  Consequences be damned!  

Foxx: Why do you need a marketing department?

Cruise: And I just dyed my hair this sexy salt and pepper color.  GQ magazine says chicks are into the "older man" look. I don't know, though. Hey, can you recommend a good Japanese restaurant where I can take her? I know she likes a mean shrimp sushi roll. Me, I just like the word "sushi." It's like a "su" with a "shi" at the end. "Suuuuuushi." Ha ha, laugh-out-loud. I'm gonna save that one for when we're on our date.     

Foxx: You know something, you're a strange motherfucker.   

An American Werewolf in London

Why it sucks: This is a perfect example of how a crappy cover can ruin an otherwise great film. In this case, the boneheads at Universal thought it’d be clever if they put the special effects highlight of the movie—the werewolf transformation scene–smack dab on the cover. There’s just one little problem: the werewolf head here looks like a plastic Jim Henson muppet. I’ve left logs in the toilet that were more ferocious-looking than this.      

The Cave

Why it sucks: It’s a pure rip-off of the original Jaws cover. Didn’t anyone in the art department notice that there was an eerie similarity between this and one of the most classic horror films in history?

The Hunted

Why it sucks: I can’t tell if Benicio Del Torro and Tommy Lee Jones are about to engage in a bloody fight or just whisper some juicy Hollywood gossip to each other. Actually, I’m not even sure that bearded man isn’t Saddam Hussein in the upper right corner.

The Bourne Identity

Look closely at Matt Damon’s face. Does he look like a man on the run for this life? No, he has the same expression on his face as those guys do in the porn films right before they blast one across Belladonna’s tits.

The 6th Day

This is one of those rare art promos where I can actually feel myself getting dumber just looking at it. Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger look like he’s in the middle of a visit to some kind of futuristic optometrist? Really, this is the same guy who once played a killer robot from the future that decimates an entire police department in The Terminator. This looks like if the camera panned back you’d see a leather-clad dominatrix with paddle in hand about to delve out some severe punishment on ol’ Arnie.  

The Terminal

I imagine the conversation in the marketing department went something like this:

Asshole#1: Hey, I got an idea! Let’s create a movie poster with as much white space as possible!

Asshole#2: Yeah! And we can have Tom Hanks holding his luggage and his testicles while looking off at something. But we don’t know what he’s looking at, which will make it mysterious and laugh-out-loud ironic at the same time.

Asshole#1: Awesome idea! Except, I don’t know if we can have him holding his testicles. What if he’s holding something like…his coat!

Asshole#2: Brilliant! Who wouldn’t want to watch a movie about a guy who carries his coat around for two hours?

Asshole#1: Beats me! Hey, you think it’s too early to call Mack for some blow?      

Of course, you’re probably wondering just what in hell Tom Hanks was looking at in that poster. Well, after a little investigation, I discovered the other half to the picture. You ready for this? Here it is:

That’s right. If you saw The Terminal you actually saw a movie that was one step away from full-blown gay porn.

Stay tuned for part two coming at you real soon…we hope.