Editorials > Absolute X-Mas

Being a film fanatic it’s only natural that I have my holiday film watching traditions, even if I don’t celebrate any holidays whatsoever. Christmastime, however, seems to be the time when everyone thinks themselves an expert in movies and waxes on and on about “required” views. Well, I’m tired of that shit. Turn off ABC and it’s tired re-runs of those old, lame Charlie Brown specials, try to carve out the atrocious memory of the Jim Carrey version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas", and for chrissakes please break your copy of Home Alone (especially if it’s one of the godforsaken sequels).
By now, you’ve hopefully fed your fireplace with a hearty amount of never-before-viewed copies of the horrendous Kelsey Grammar musical version of A Christmas Carol, you have some hot cocoa by your side, and you are getting ready to pop in something. So leave your Yuletide merriment to ol’ Uncle Abe, he of much holiday cheer (read: sarcasm). Here be the ultimate X-Mas viewing list.

A Christmas Carol directed by Clive Donner(1984): Pretty damn sad that one of the best adaptations of this classic tale came in the form of a TV movie, but so it is. George C. Scott clocks in an iconic performance as the grumpy a-hole Scrooge that is possibly the second most well known interpretation. This is probably the one you’ve seen a million times as networks tend to replay it 24/7 around Christmas.

A Christmas Carol aka Scrooge directed by Brian Desmond Hurst (1951): An even more iconic performance, though, comes from Alastair Sim in this other version of the Dickens’ fable. The choice to heavily focus on Scrooge’s imminent change is made all the more effective by Sim’s performance. This is the Scrooge you remember and will forever associate with the role. Sure it’s pure Dickens (which only means you’ll be strong-armed into feeling a certain emotion) but damn it’s good.

A Christmas Story directed by Bob Clark: Bob Clark directs one strange bird of a movie about a whacked out family of stereotypical American’s and their life leading up to Christmas. The main storyline follows Ralphie, a kid that wants a BB gun for X-Mas and all his weird attempts at getting just that. However, the film shines most for it’s inane subplots and cast of characters, namely the world famous Old Man and the leg lamp he wins in a contest. Let’s not forget the since-then schoolyard fodder of whether your tongue will stick to a pole in the winter, a shitty furnace, and, of course, Ovaltine. Hilarious.

Bad Santa directed by Terry Zwigoff: Billy Bob Thorton plays a drunkard, scumbag, asshole that just so happens to take up the mall’s Santa job. What follows is the funniest series of Christmastime hell-raising ever perpetrated by a jackass. Surprisingly heartfelt despite the copious amounts of cursing and outrageousness.

Batman Returns directed by Tim Burton: Not only do you get to see the less cooler but still cool enough pre-Christian Bale Batman kick some ass as well as one can in a uber-restrictive rubber suit but you’ll also get to kick around one of the most mind-boggling questions ever posed by Christopher Walken: “Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed like Batman?” Yes, it’s set during Christmas, before you question my logic…but then almost every Burton feels like a goth version of the holiday.

Black Christmas directed by Bob Clark: Bob Clark was one eclectic director but he directed undisputed classics in his early career. Among them was the now indispensable A Christmas Story, but few know he also directed this dark comedy/horror film in which a killer stalks a sorority during the holidays. Pre-dating what many consider the granddaddy of slasher flicks by four years, this film is a hoot. Can’t speak for the remake as I haven’t seen it though.

Die Hard directed by John McTiernan: Hey, what better time for terrorists to strike than Christmas, eh? Not so for John McClane (Bruce Willis) who must fend off Alan Rickman’s Hans and his troop of baddies during a visit to his estranged wife’s Christmastime office party. It seems that the best way to mend fences between you and your spouse is to kill all those guys with the guns. “Haaaaannnnnnsssss!!!”

Gremlins directed by Joe Dante: For all of you bastards that ever bitched about a shitty present try getting a living thing that spits out a bunch of hideous monsters if you so much as get it wet. Worst present ever? Not really, this movie is fun as hell.

Jack Frost directed by Michael Cooney(1997): No, not the Michael Keaton snowman movie…that one sucks. This one sucks but in a good way. This movie is about a serial killer who fuses with snow after his transport vehicle crashes with a truck carrying dangerous chemicals. Yeah, that sounds awful, and it is, but what follows is a wise-assy snowman killin’ folk, cozying up to the dames, and crackin’ wise every chance he gets. Surprisingly funny.

The Omen directed by Richard Donner(1976): What better way to celebrate the birth of Christ than to remember the birth of the Anti-Christ! Face it, none of you celebrate the holiday for the right reason so might as well just jump in and watch a movie about who it’s really about. Yes, I’m a cynical bastard.

The Passion of the Christ directed by Mel Gibson: Of course, if you actually do celebrate the holidays for the “right” reason then you might want to remember that Jesus wasn’t a fuckin’ baby all his life. This movie will never let you forget that. Who said the Bible wasn’t the world’s greatest horror novel?!

P2 directed by Franck Khalfoun: Not out on DVD yet but it IS in the cheapo theaters so if you like your holidays filled with insane, Elvis-obsessed stalkers that trap you in parking lots when you should be celebrating with your family, then this movie is definitely for you. You’ll either love it or hate it but there’s enough of Rachel Nichols’ rack on display to make it an instant classic.

Scrooged directed by Richard Donner: Ok, enough of me being an a-hole. This “re-imagining” of A Christmas Carol pits a dick-like Bill Murray in the Scrooge-ish role. He lives, he learns, he repents, and hopefully you get some kicks out of it. Fun, but not as fun as you might remember it being but still, better than Kelsey Grammar trying uselessly to “act".

Tales From The Crypt directed by Freddie Francis(1972): This old British movie has few tales in it (hence the name), but the one about the maniac that breaks out of an insane asylum during the holidays and dons a Santa outfit only to be let into someone’s home is classic. If you can find the TV episode version, it’s as good if not better.