If you're here for large pictures of scantily clad women (an endeavor I wholeheartedly approve of) I implore you to leave.  Though Filmwad Hi-5 may bear the same moniker as our more boobalicious predecessor, we aren't here to, er, expose you to tittilating pics of the fairer sex (though if that's what you're seeking try this or this, or hell even this).  What you'll find here, within the hallowed halls of Filmwad are a themed selection of five movies each week we believe you need to see instead of whatever big budget shit is clogging the multiplex on any given week.  It could be 5 Best Films to Get Your Girlfriend Pregnant, maybe 5 Horror Flicks To Make Your Stomach Turn, it could be mainstream or off-the-wall, horrifying or alluring, it honestly could be, man, woman, or child.  It could be just about anything, but every week, it'll be right here.  And we certainly hope you'll join us.

 

Sadly, our ship sails this week under the sway of a frightful omen - the opening of Adam Shankman's film adaptation of the Broadway musical Hairspray.  If you've been trapped beneath a landslide, or are just waking from a lengthy coma, and know nothing about the film, it's about a largish young lady who wants nothing more than to be a star on a local dancing show.  Too bad a cadre of cool, pretty kids under the cruel tutelage of Michelle Pfiefer (who I saw on Oprah last night - lay off the Botox Michelle, you're starting to look like a cat with Down Syndrome) are standing in her way.  Somehow, the issues of 1960's segregation, Queen Latifah, and a lot of life lessons are dealt with in the process.  By the way, did I mention it stars John Travolta dressed like a woman … in a fat suit … acting all horny?  Well, it does.  

 

Thus, to prevent our readers from enduring the nut-crunching pain this film will surely induce, we've brought together a list of 5 other, odd, quirky, enchanting musicals (none of them even remotely featuring John Travolta, or his fat suit) you can better spend your hard-earned money on this weekend.  So, fire up your Netflix queue, 'cause heeeeeeeere we go:

 

 

Robert Altman's 1975 classic could be described in two words: cluster fuck.  Near 30 main characters, over 30 songs, a twenty minute car crash scene, and loose, sprawling storyline somehow related to the crumbling, corrupt state of American politics, I'll say it again: cluster fuck.  Nonetheless, it's a Robert Altman gang bang, and the much missed director spent the formative 70s mastering these unwieldy beasts, and Nashville is a shining example.  Be it the destitute warble of the waifish ingenue rising above the swirling mass of people in the film's poetic final moments, the crooning machismo of Keith Carradine's barroom serenade, or the pomp and circumstance of the Grand Ole Opry, the music in the film ties together the less ends of the narrative.  Drawing us, the viewer, in to the crazy, crazy world of Robert Altman, sitting us down, and forcing us to shut up and listen. 

 

It's a classic, and it doesn't star that kid from High School: The Musical.

 

The Scene to Watch For:  

 

Again, the scene's final moments.  A shocking act of violence, a police-mob riot, and the beautiful voice that soothes the angry beast. 

 

 

The Court Jester is the classic Hollywood musical most people haven't seen.  Starring Danny Kaye, the comic genius you might know from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, it is a send-up of all the beefy, testosterone pumping action-adventures of the 1930s.  Instead of Errol Flynn's beefcake Robin Hood, Danny Kaye plays Hubert Hawkins, the sissiest link in The Fox's merry band of benevolent criminals.  In true Hollywood fashion, Hubert Hawkins is forced in to a daring, yet hilarious, plot to re-throne the birthmarked-ass of the true king.  Toss in some wonky witch-brewed pills, a healthy dose of alliterated, rhyming song, and one of the funniest jousts you've ever seen and this is pure musical gold.   

 

And it doesn't star a 300-pound Christian chick. 

 

The Scene to Watch For:  

 

There's so many it's difficult to choose, but the electrified (not electrifying) duel between Hawkins and his arch nemesis, is one of the funnier things ever captured on film.

 

 

One of my top ten favorite films of all time, Baz Luhrmann's eccentric mash-up of modern songs and the classic structure of the Broadway musical is a thrilling, heart-breaking piece of work.  Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman are star-crossed lovers, forced to bend to the will of a devilishly, pompous Duke, all the while, secretly crafting the story of their love within a play, within a story, within a play.  The songs are electric combinations of some of the great love songs of our times, spanning the charts from Elton John to David Bowie, somehow even incorporating the bass-heavy churn of Nirvana's 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'.  Though the film is awash in, at times, headache-inducing smash-cuts and surreal imagery (John Leguizamo as an absinthe addicted dwarf, anyone?), the heart of the film is a simple, beautiful love story punctuated by some of the prettiest diddies to ever, EVER grace the silver screen (aside from the painful, painful 'Lady Marmalade' that somehow got stuffed on the soundtrack).

 

And it I don't believe John Travolta in a fat suit, makes a single appearance in the whole film.

 

Scene to Watch For:

 

'The Elephant Love Medley' scene, where all of sudden you realize just how damn good of an actor, Ewan McGregor is.

 

 

The first time I watched this film I fell asleep twenty minutes in (after staying wide awake for Bring It On - Elisa Dushka in a cheerleader's outfit, what can I say?) and woke two hours later to find my then-girlfriend bawling hysterically.  It's that kind of movie.  After more conscious viewings of the film, I can see where the ex-girlfriend's emotions stemmed from - the film is brutally, brutally dark at times.  Bjork's character is a single mother who works at a factory, and is slowly, slowly losing her vision.  As, her vision fades, she becomes involved with some less than moral characters, and after a series of violent events, her life slips in to freefall.  The music in the film stems from wild fantasies Bjork's doomed character imagines, and half the, er, fun of the film is watching director Lars von Trier find musical inspiration amongst the confines of his Dogme 99 edicts.  It's a challenging film, but when the film's credits roll if you're not a gurgling mess of snot, tears, and emotion, you're a cold, heartless bastard and maybe you should be watching Fat-Suit Travolta in Hairspray.

 

Also, Michelle Pfiefer's alarmingly Botoxed skin is nowhere to be seen.

 

Scene to Watch For:

 

It's a tie, either the swirling box-car dance or the clanging beauty of the first factory song. 

 

 

For those hankering for their musical experience this weekend to be within the walls of a cinema, John Carney's Once is just the film for you.  Sundance's Audience Award winner, the small, simple love story of a busker (those jackasses who strum guitars and try to gouge you for money) and a recent immigrant, hits the classic notes of musical cinema, exposing the very heart of why the world loves this song-and-dance stories so damn much.  The beautiful, again simple, strings of The Frames fronter Glen Hansard (and the film's leading man) are at the heart of the film's beautiful songs, and they tie together the story of a two people, down-on-their-luck, finding love in the oddest of places.  It's a musical with all the bullshit thrown to the side, a charming, fleeting tale of the true power of love. 

 

And not once does Queen Latifah's big, black bosom make an appearance.

 

Scene to Watch For:

 

The heart-breaking twang of 'Falling Slowly'

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